New Year’s Resolutions 2014 I should have put these in order by the dates I'll most likely be breaking each one... I will start checking pockets before I wash my fourth Bluetooth, seventh pay check, or fragile cash bills. I will reduce my triple double espresso shots to mere triples. I will accept that every item of laundry will be thrown in the hamper by my children inside out EXCEPT for the beaded clothing that NEEDS to be. I will stop my losing battle with dog hair. Instead I will disguise it as shag carpeting and exotic mohair furniture covers.
can’t chase a kid down when you’re in heels. I will wave the white flag and concede defeat: my cat will never be an internet sensation, I do not have a long-lost millionaire great-aunt somewhere, and there are no products that truly conquer static cling. I will not feel guilty for lying to my children when they ask “are there vegetables in this?” and instead congratulate myself on finally managing to disguise them beyond recognition. I will not reply testily when the Walmart cashier asks if this is the third time I’ve been here today.
I will devise a method for cooking bacon in a crockpot. I will invent microchip tracking devices for my kids’ DVDs and game cartridges. Actually, my son is more qualified for this task. I will patent the above mentioned brilliant invention. I will stop confessing to crimes I didn’t commit in selfish attempts to gain a few days of free housing, free meals cooked by someone else, in a place where I cannot be reached by phone, text or email. I will stop texting and Facebooking people in the same room as me. I will hang beach scene wallpaper in my office, install a sun lamp, and insist my coworkers hire a cabana boy. Having no uncracked ceramic tiles left, I will replace my sledgehammer with a new spider killing weapon. I’m open to suggestions. I will stop telling door-to-door salesmen that I am not the homeowner, but rather the last salesperson now held captive. I will announce BEFORE dinner that detangling hair products do not work on spaghetti noodles. I will try and remember that when my phone battery dies, it’s probably a sign that I should take a moment to recharge, too. I will not plant EVERY seed my children want to try and grow from every piece of fruit they eat. I will stop trying to pretend that Justin Bieber (One Direction? Whatever. . .) does not exist, and resign myself to hearing him every time I turn on the radio. Or maybe I will just stop listening to the radio. I will stop asking how an item became broken, lost, stained, or turned into a vital component of an impromptu science experiment, and instead be glad that I stopped owning things of value years ago. I will embrace yoga pants as an essential part of my wardrobe. You
I will consider my daughter’s comment that I “look like a zombie in the morning” (and afternoon, and evening) as a sign that I am ontrend. Zombie apocalypses are in this year, sweetheart. I will quit apologizing for falling asleep while getting my hair cut. I can’t help it if you decorate your salon with super comfy chairs. I will try not to view the “estimated arrival time” on my GPS as a challenge. I understand that drinking so much coffee that I can HEAR my heart beating is not the same as a cardio workout. I accept that I am not better than anybody on the Ravens Offensive Line, so I should stop yelling that at the television. I accept the fact that while my 9 may year old may smack someone on the backside and shout “GOOD GAME”, I need to teach him that this is only acceptable when playing football since he has “GOOD GAME’d” his teachers, principal and assistant principal this year. I will stop telling my kids that a Grey Goose is my favorite animal. I will stop holding grudges against people who don’t “like” my status updates. I will stop yelling “go for the sleeper hold” at my son’s middle school wrestling matches. I accept the fact that I will ALWAYS be the spider killer in my house. (disclaimer: Neal wrote this one, NOT Shelly) Written by Shelly McLaughlin, Director of Communications, Neal Lichter, Resource Center Coordinator, and Jenn Hobbs, Fund Development Associate, Pathfinders for Autism © 2013 Pathfinders for Autism PAT H F I N D E R S FOR AUTISM
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